Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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