I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
