do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
