theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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