I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
