New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
what is it with giant penises always finding me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
