if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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