Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
