I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Randomize
