the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I would ride that face into the sunset
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
