Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
