Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
