I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
