Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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