My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
