Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
