if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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