You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
