That's intense
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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