life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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