the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
