My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
