At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
