i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm always down for nudity.
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