I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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