I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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