I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
