sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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