my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
