If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
