So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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