The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
