dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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