My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
