why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
