This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
