**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
