She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
