So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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