Moan for me like Helen Keller
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
