the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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