There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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