Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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