While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
