I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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