if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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