Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
