Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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