3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
