She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
