You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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