Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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