Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
